Liquid Diet

Tuesday I get to embark on yet ANOTHER medical test, a pill cam. This will make test number 10 (thats not counting lab work!). The pill cam, is a small camera, in which is placed into a pill that I will be swallowing and taking pictures of the inside of my small intestine! That is the only part of my digestive system that the doctors haven't looking INSIDE of! I will then have a pack attached to me, as well as some other stuff - I'm not really sure of all the correct terms, forgive me!


So for this test, I am on yet another LIQUID diet, starting tomorrow after lunch! It isn't the test that I mind so much. It is the strict diet they put me on. I really really love food. I mean, I just like to eat. I'm not a "big" girl, never have been. I just love food, and all kinds. So for someone to tell me that all I can have is broth, jello (except no red, blue, orange or purple), popsicles, gatorade (which I drink like a camel now and I hate gatorade its as I like to call it "watered down fruit juice"), and a other select items. I'm not a happy camper about that AT ALL! I have to admit that I was pretty whiney while in the hospital, because of all the tests they kept running, I wasn't allowed to eat. And when I don't eat I get a headache, and the longer I wait to eat the worse the headache gets! The more whiney I get! I feel really sorry for my parents, who were absolutly wonderful, for putting up with me. Getting poked by needles (which i am terrified of), the lack of food, and the drugs that were making me completly LOOPY! So tomorrow I am going to eat an absolutly WONDERFUL lunch, one that I can enjoy, because I won't be able to enjoy anything else until the next day! DARN TEST!!


Not only is test number 10 going to cost me, more money, the Endoscopy department recommend/requested that I wear a jogging suit, sweats, etc. for the test. You see the equipment will be administered to me at 7 a.m. on Tuesday morning at the hospital, then I will be able to go along with a normal day and then return to the hospital at 3 p.m. The thing is the Staff Christmas Party is this week, Thursday, and to go about a normal day - especially Tuesday - I need to be at work. So being the shopaholic that I am, and addicted to looking good and presenting myself well, I went out to buy clothing for this test. I don't really own any "sweats" that would be appropiate for work. Much less have I bought tennis shoes since high school! Why buy a pair of tennis shoes when I could have some cute kitten heels, boots, or stillettos? Since Friday I have been looking for tennis shoes that I liked. Why do I have to be so darn picky? And why are tennis shoes so expensive?! I didn't find anything I was thrilled about, surprised? I did find this cute shoes, that were kinda like dress tennis shoes at Nine West, and this fleece jacket and matching pants at Nike. I was still unsure, so today after church I went back up to the mall to make a quick trip to pick those two items up! They didn't have me size at Nike, so I ended up buying another cute matching jacket and pants at Foot Locker. Then I headed over to Nine West to pick up those adorable black shoes, once again they didn't have my size. So I found my self at another shoe store, and found some matching pink Pumas for my cute outfit. So this outfit, for this STUPID test, cost me about $90.00. All I've got to say, is they BETTER find out what's wrong with me!

Another Vain Post

My brother came home Tuesday night!! Yea! I am so happy to have him home for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen him since he left for UT - this is his first time home since he left for college. My parents went to visit him over the weekend for his birthday, but I wasn't able to go due to the Ministry Fair at CCC.
Wednesday I worked a half-day, then headed home to spend time with Ryan. I took him to NorthLake Mall, the NEW mall!! I LOVE to shop. Its a very bad habit.
Last Friday, before Kyle and I went to see Harry Potter, I got to Birkdale early just for the sole purpose of shopping. I ended up buying a wool coat from Banana.
While I was sick, I did a lot of shopping online. I bought a shirt and skirt from Banana and a pair of AWESOME boots from Aldo.
Because I've lost 12 lbs. since I've been sick, none of my jeans really fit, so while Ryan and I were at Northlake, I bought 3 new pairs of jeans from Gap. I find that their jeans fit my body best.
Earlier this month I bought 2 pairs of gacho pants, brown shoes, brown boots, 3 new shirts. And just last night I bought another jacket!
I just can't seem to stop!! And tomorrow is the biggest shopping day of the year!

The Unknown Road Ahead

There is a time for everyone, when they must step out and stop hiding behind their secrurity and become vunerable. Tonight was that time for me. For anyone who doesn't know me, or doesn't know this about me, writing is my security. When I want to be encouraging, I would write in a card. When I wanted to share my feelings, I wrote it down. In order to keep calm and collected, to keep my emotions in check. Keep my vunerability at bay. Now don't get my wrong, I am always ALWAYS honest when I write, thats why I do it, I can say things that I wouldn't normal be able to just speak. Yet, we all communicate in different ways. Some like to read. Some like to write. Some like to speak. Some like to be spoken to. I realized that last week. I can't expect to get my point across, or to encourge, by writing, if the person I'm writing to doesn't communicate by reading, but being spoken to. So tonight, I put my pride aside, and be vunerable for once. Tonight, I told him my story, how I have been exactly where he is right now. Facing the unknown road ahead. Trying to figure out where you belong. Continually praying for God to show you the way to go. That the right doors will be opened. That you will make the right decision. We have all been there at one point in our lives or another. Some of us deal with bigger struggles concerning life decisions than others.
There he was sitting on the stairs, everything I have ever wanted. Here I am telling him, that everything is going to be alright. I believe in him. Because the truth is. I do. No matter what he decides. It is all about trusting God about the unknown road ahead. And here is another bit of truth, I don't know what the road ahead holds. As scary as that is. I am willing to walk down it, because as long as I have Him by myside then I know everything is going to be alright. It is all about trusting, in the Almighty.

"Because I am waiting on God."

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire

Thursday night at midnight I saw the fourth movie of Harry Potter, The Goblet of Fire. Great movie, and I couldn't have gone with anyone better than Sarah, the great lover of Harry Potter. It was a GREAT movie. Just what I was expecting and I can't wait for the next book and movie. Which will be a while. Then on Friday, I had another doctors appointment and yet another CT Scan. Been the story of my life since October. Oh so much fun, I can see the medical bills adding up in my head. As well as the amount of work that is piling up. Oh well. I went into work about 1:30ish and stayed for about an hour. During that hour I got stuff done for the Christmas party. And I also, finalized my plans with Kyle to go see a movie. Which movie? Harry Potter, of course! A bit silly to see the movie two days in a row, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for us hang out. It was a really good evening. We ended up meeting earlier than planned, and went into a few shops at Birkdale and then went to our 8:45 movie at 8:00, but it gave us a really good chance to talk. It was nice. The past few weeks have been good leading up to us hanging out, so it made our first official hang out, a lot smoother and not so akward. Honestly, it was a perfect evening. I know we are so close to being back to where we were before in our friendship, as best friends. Its not as though we stopped being best friends, it just an adjustment.

Slip & Fall

I have always been somewhat of a clutz. Ask anyone. For example, just last month I slipped and fell down the stairs at work. It was a wonderful tumble, that left a very attractive bruise on my left leg. My being a clutz isn't just limted to slipping, tripping, or falling; it also includes spilling things as well. For example, before Kyle and I started dating, we had been great friends, and I had been to the Mahr household countless times. Then of course the first time I went to their house once we had begun dating, we had picked up lunch and brought it back home. And of course I picked up my drink, and it was just like it never was attached to my hand. Just dropped it like that.
So tonight was one of those really embarrasing moments. It not only involved falling but liquid as well. I had to run up to Concord Mills (the redneck mall of them all in the area) to pick-up a Harry Potter movie ticket for the midnight showing and a birthday gift for Kim, my boss' wife, I also decided to look for a GREAT dress for my upcoming staff party. The dress at Banana Republic that I thought was the one, wasn't. Then I made my way over to Bath & Body Works to pickup Kim's birthday present. I was on my way to the theatre and was thikning of what stores I would be passing on the way to look for a dress. When all the sudden I slipped and fell. But it wasn't one of those slip, and find a bit of grace stumbles, oh no...it was much worse than that. It was one you couldn't recover from with grace - it was one of those head over heals type of falls. This wonderful gay black guy, employee at the Perfume store, ran over to me to make sure I was okay. OMG! Then I had to fill out an accident report. Could any of that been more embarrassing? I think not!

As Good As It Gets

I started watching As Good As It Gets at 1:00 in the morning, while trying to endure preperations for my colonoscopy on Thursday. For those of who have been through it or know I am not going to go into any more details. Yet, I caught the perfect part of the movie, the trip. Perfect timing, I thought to myself. As I continued to watch the movie, I was in anticipation of my favorite part. The part of the movie that has this place in my heart. For anyone who has seen the movie, knows exactly what I am talking about. It is where Helen Hunt's character, Carol, is already becoming a bit sof to Jack Nicholson's character, Melvin, who is completly nerotic. The three of them (Carol, Melvin and Simon - the gay artist, who is the reason for the trip, he is here to visit his parents to make things right.) arrive at there hotel and Carol (Helen Hunt) wants to " go out for a night on the town" (so to say), when Simon isn't up to it she looks at Melvin (Jack Nicholson) and tells him the he is her date.When they arrive athe resturant, he is told it is a "coat and tie" facility, he goes out and buys and coat and tie while leaving Carol, to wait upon him. When he arrives, she almost tells him he looks sexy. They sit down and because of Melvin's disorder and his misunderstanding of how to interact with people, he insults Carol, she threatens to walk out and leave him in the resturant unless he compliments her. He asks her to sit back down, and at that moment he gives her the best compliment of her life. The scene continues like this and becomes one of the greatest movie quotes of all time:

Melvin: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.

Carol: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Melvin: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills. Carol: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.

Carol: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Wow! Okay, there is more and to why that this one quote is worth writing an entire blog on . Because even though this quote was orginally said in a movie and he admitted to that before saying it. Some people may say that was a cheap shot, and unorginal but I say "it was the best compliment of my life". It wasn't all about what he said, it how he said it, with sincerity and complete love in his voice. Because he so much like Jack Nicholson, in the movie, always had trouble expressing how he felt and what I meant to him. So, that touched my heart on the deepest level. For as long as I know how and for as long as God tells me, I will continue to encourage him, and continue to point him to the throne of God through my encouragement.

That evening was memorable on so many levels. From the beginning to the end. Though all of our dreams we discussed aren't possible right now, it doesn't mean they won't ever come to pass. It just means that right now, we are doing - that he is doing - exactly what God wants us to. Sometimes we just get a bit ahead of ourselves. Sometime we know what we want to happen in our hearts and we can't imagine it happening any other way, but God has another plan. The perfect plan. And though things didn't work out just how I would have liked, I know that God is in control and there is no other way that I would want it to be than in His will.

Read the following quote, and know that if you want to make that special someone in your life feel that way, special. Tell them.

"I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me." -Melvin (Jack Nicholson): As Good As It Gets

The Rest of the Story

I have good news. I have my mind at peace, and my heart. God knew exactly what I needed to hear and he provided. I had big plans tonight - okay, not BIG plans but plans - just movies. But the whole ordeal was a return to normalicity. Which was great, I was looking forward to it, yet I was a bit nervous.
Unfortunitly, due to bad planning (not on my part) we had to reschedule for next Sunday. Which is fine, it actually gave us a chance to just talk without any pressure - that I was worrying about anyways. I had all these things on my mind and weighing upon my heart that I wanted to say, but didn't want to write in a card or say it over and over in my head where it sounded like some rehearsed speech I had written for class. On the phone I was able to control my emotions (aka crying) and say exactly what I wanted to. I got my point across. And it was wonderful. It was like within a 20 min. conversation our friendship and everything that I loved was restored, just like that.
We even talked about Disney, and if all goes well (meaning if he has the available vacation time) then he is still coming with me and my family. Which I am praying he has the vacation time.
So even though Thursday and Friday were kinda rough, but the same has the have been the past few months. Who knew a cancellation would put me in such a good mood.

The Struggle - Part 2 (At Wits End)

If I was a smoker, I would have smoked a whole carton today. Seriously. To the point of having bald spots on my head. I wasn't planning for my last post to become a two parter, and now that I think about it since I have been posting again it has become a saga. What is going to happen next?
In my last post, I talked about what I feared to be the inevitable. And in all honesty, it is. What I fear isn't his dreams coming true, but just the opposite. I want for nothing more than for him to be happy, and to be where God wants him. I want nothing else! The truth is, I fear where his dreams are leading him. Am I making any sense? I didn't think so, this for me to vent. Thursday, the only reason I got all worked up was because after he made a comment about not being here in May, I assumed (always gets me in trouble) that meant the gears were turning and in full force ahead. I couldn't have been more wrong! He isn't even on Step 1, he is still on Pre-Step 1.
Read the next post the get the rest of the story

The Stuggle

I had a bit of a rough early evening, just for short bit, but no matter for how long it lasted, it made me think. Once again I'm thinking....which can always get me into a bit of trouble. My mom & I were on our way to the mall (to get me out and about) and were talking about my current situation and status - which we seem to butt heads on. I know that she is only looking out for my best interest, but it makes us see things differently. Niether one of us are wrong, it is just different. I took a drive and called Sarah - she is my voice of reason, always screwing my head back on straight. She did and I went back home and my mom and I had a real heart to heart. I love my mom, she is the BEST!

Then I realized that even though I am waiting on him, I realize if I am ever going to be open to where God is leading me and if it is (as its current status: waiting) then I must learn to let go. Sounds like I am contractdicting myself, right? Yet, I have found it to be the total opposite. If what I fear does come, his (what seems to be inevitable) move for school, that leaves me alone. No matter what, something I have to deal with. The truth is, whether we are meant to be together or not isn't the point, not at all, because truth be told, I am more scared about losing a friend to this than anything else in the world. I can't even begin to tell you where he ranks in my life and what he means to me. Such an extreme loss for words. You see to me there are worse things than moving on, losing out. Like I mentioned it my quote yesterday (see the post Getting Strong & Pressing Forward), I am not going to say I didn't try. I am not going to regret and question what could have been had I just tried. I am going to be statisfied in knowing that I gave it my all, and I followed where God led me.

Like I mentioned earlier, that the inevitable is coming. I knew it may happen and to be honest I don't even know if it is going to happen. Anyways, I am rambling and being very vague. Sorry. Truth is, I have always wanted for his dreams to come true, and I know that God is amazing things instore for him - beyond what he can even imagine for himself. This is his dream, it has been. As long as it is God's will, then I'm up for it. That is my prayer, that God's will shall previal in this situation and that he would realize no matter the outcome that God's plan is best, even if it is differnt from our own. I know that everyone has either thought it to be impossible or at least thought it - I know I have from time to time. But who am I to question where God is leading him? Who am I to question is calling. I am no one! I am a mere sinner. Lord, forgive me for doubting. Lord, forgive me for selling you short of your power. With God, nothing is impossible.

That is an idea that I have come all to farmilar with, but there is truth behind that. Sometimes, we grow the most when we work the hardest for something. We are more thankful, when we worked for it ourself. There is a less chance of taking it for granted when it is our own. Maybe, I have been wrong. We will have to see. Until then I am praying for God to make the move easy for us both, because the truth is he is moving on to a much larger place and much further away than I am. I just have to deal.

"It is kind of fun to do the impossible" - Walt Disney

Trying to Recapture Summer

The fall air and weather is upon us, as much as I was ready for it, I honestly can ALREADY say I miss the heat of summer. Shocker. So here are a few pictures from the summer to recapture the warm weather before it is forgotten completly.



Here is me (on the left) and Melanie (right) cooling off in the ocean water, while enjoying the heat of the sun!

Here we are on our last night in Edisto, at the resturant, Kit & Melanie (left) and me & Kyle (right).

Here is Kit (left) and Kyle (right) surfing.

Getting Strong & Pressing Forward

For those of you who don't know, I was hospitilized last week and had galbladder surgery on Saturday. Hopefully that will take care of the awful symptoms and how I have been feeling lately, but as of right now - it hasn't. I HATE not being a CCC and not being at work and not being around all the wonderful people that I adore and love. It has been rather depressing. Especially when all I could do last week (between Wednesday to Sunday) is get out of bed to pee (with an IV attached to me) or to get more test run (some of which lasted 2 HOURS!). It has been rather depressing to be honest - very depressing - being in a drab hospital room can do that to a spunky girl like me.
Well for those of you who know me, know that this spunky girl when she gets down she gets down and when I get down I start to think, but not good thinking but thinking in a way that I am "over thinking" and over anlayzing. A long introduction into what I am trying to say. All I could do was watch TV or think (I didn't have the energy to read and concentrate on anything), so my mind began to wander with the mix of the influence of media and movie. So after watching A Walk to Remember (a great movie), I started thinking about love and relationships and the future - what else is a girl going to think about after watching that movie. And I began to doubt and second guess myself and just about to call it quits on my "promise" - I am such a moron! Here I am in a hospital bed, on drugs, lack of sleep, sick, after watching a sappy movie and here I am trying to make some major decision!
When I got home on Sunday, I of course rested. Monday, I slept in and did what else but watch TV and get on the computer - still a bit too drugged up on concentrate on my new book or Captivating (side note: Debi Mahr is the BEST! Thank you so much for being comitted to the book club!). When I got onto AIM I put up one of my away messages and then I read it.

It reads:

I have been inspired.

Because I know the future holds something amazing.

Each day I am a bit stronger.

I know no matter where he goes, that I am going to stand by his side.

That was my promise to him.

Our promise to each other.

All of my heart is on one half of a dollar bill.

Another one reads:

With each day we get a little closer.

With each day my smile is a little bigger.

With each day the trust between us grows stronger.

With each day....

We may not know what tomorrow holds, but God does.

I may not knw where he will be a year from now, but God does.

You knowing that with each day gives me peace.

I will never leave his side.
"Love is patient" 1 Corinthians 13:4

Another:

No matter what he decides, I will stand by his side.

No matter where he goes, my heart will follow.

Above all else, I am his best friend.

That is when God reminded me, "Jennifer, I have told you to be strong, I am your strength. I have told you that there is hope for the future, though you may not know it, I do, just press forward. Stay true to your word, until the time comes whether it is time for the next best thing or exactly why you are holding on. What the future holds is something amazing, continue trusting in me.

A good friend of mine came over today, Michelle, we began talking about life and what is going on with ours. And I began talking of this particular situation, my fears and once again I heard God confirming exactly what I already knew. "Stay strong and press forward." You see, there is nothing that should be changing right now.

My ending quote for this post is long, but it is exaclty why I believe in the promise, because just like she ends with "knowing is better than wondering". I want to know that I did exactly what I felt in my heart was right, than walking away wondering should I have held on a little bit longer. Because it the foundation of my promise was laid on knowing and trustin in God and the peace is He gives me. And the peace of waiting outways the peace of walking away.

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the heck out of never trying." - Meredith Grey: Grey's Anatomy

(ps. if you don't ever watch Grey's Anatomy - you should for the shear enjoyment of hearing the narration of Meredith Grey, sometimes I hear myself saying to the TV "THAT IS SO TRUE". Pluse this show is pretty darn good too!)