Torn Dollar

There is a half of a dollar bill in my coach wallet. Though I may not be able to buy a Coca-Cola with that dollar bill, it is not worth anything to anyone but me. The other half is in another wallet with the words from my heart written upon them with a Sharpie. Just as does the dollar bill in my wallet except they aren't my words written upon it. That bill is the promise that I hold close to my heart, it is something that is worth more than any dollar bill more than anything that could be bought with money. That half of a dollar bill is my hope, a promise for something that may happen, that is my heart's desire. It is the symbol of my obedience to God. There is nothing else I would rather carry with me every single day in my wallet until that dollar bill is whole again.

Kickball

I decided to go to LIFT last night - for various reasons, none probably were for the "right" reason. That doesn't matter though, because God really spoke to me and now I know that I really should be going - it is something I need. The lesson was as though it was meant for me, God knew exactly what I needed, even though I may not have come for all the right reasons. The worship was excellent - just me & God - right there, I was in awe of His wonderous mercy and awesome grace and the overwhealming love my Savior has for me.

The it was time for the lesson (it wasn't a sermon) more of a group discussion over what God's word had to say to us that evening. We watched a Rob Bell video (11 min. video - the length of the video doesn't matter it was the message that it brought) titled "Kickball" (you can watch a clip of the video at www.nooma.com). Rob Bell told a story of his son and this cheap toy he wanted and all Rob Bell was trying to convey to his 3 year old son that this toy isn't going to be fun for him and that if he would just trust, he and his wife were going to take him to the store across the street to get a kickball. You see the father knew what was ahead for his son, he knew that across the street was a HUGE wall of kickballs for him to choose which ever his heart desires. Sometimes we - I - feel like God is holding out on me, that when I am staring and crying out saying "why won't you give this to me" God is begging and pleading saying "I know what is best for you, don't you see that isn't what is best for you, just wait (and across the street) and give it sometime and I have something better for you." Wow. How amazing and how powerful. God just spoke to me. "Jennifer, I know what is best. Trust ME!"
And then today. Every Tuesday is staff devotionals, where we read a devotion from Experiencing God: Day by Day and pray over the prayer request from the church. And today message once again JUST FOR ME. It was about the story of Job, about suffering and the valleys. The I watched another Rob Bell video called "Rain" another thing God use to speak to me. It was also about storms and trusting God.
Get the overall picture? I know I am doing what is right, at this very moment. Yeah, it has been hard, and depending on that "one thing" it may get a WHOLE lot harder. Like the video said "Crying out to God admits that I don't have it all together." Isn't that the truth? I am far from having it all together - nothing could be closer to the truth.
Truth be told, compared to others (and even those who have gone through similar situations that I am going through now) my "suffering" isn't really "suffering" but I am still scared. I still fear what the road ahead holds, but that is why I am trusting in God. Because He does know. Thank goodness for that!
So maybe I'm not going out of my mind. Maybe, after I have been saying that - that waiting is what God really wants me to do. I trust Him.

"Suffering is our most intimate time with God. He holds us close."

Flying Blind

As I mentioned in my last post, I feel as though I am flying over the ocean with a blind fold on. At the moment, that is exactly how I feel - how I have been feeling for over a month now. It is my lack of trust that I have, or deep down is it that I don't have a lot of faith? Its not that I don't trust God, I do. I trusted in Him & accepted Christ as my Savior. And I am thankful beyond words for everything that He has so graciously given me. The Lord has always come through for me in that past, when all I see are the things around me falling apart, He see the glorious destination ahead because He knows the big picture. The real truth of the matter is, I like to be in control - yet again falling into the catagory that I have a lack of trust and faith.
Do all Christians deal with this? Lacking faith. Lacking trust. I know in my heart - deepest places that God has touched that He has said "Jennifer, wait." and so I not only obeyed God, but I made sure this wasn't something I was just "feeling", so I said it aloud and it was agreed upon. Which in so many ways gave me an overwealming relief and secured the peace I already had in my heart.
So I continue to wait. As my heart tells me to, as God has told me to. Because I am waiting, I realize that I am waiting upon an unsure future. As though I am walking through a tunnel without a flashlight - God has the flashlight - He knows what is ahead for me and he turns on the flashlight (reveals what is ahead) in His timing. When I am ready. When the time is right. Maybe, I have more faith than I give myself credit for or maybe I am realizing that it is when I am in control things are so completly out of control.
The truth is, I know that my waiting will be beneficial in the long run. And I feel in my heart (but I can't say this as fact or that it WILL happen) that it may work out the way I hope it to. No matter the outcome, it will be for the best, right?

I can fly blind and have God steer the plane then I will be okay.

The Ticking Clock

Reality knocked on my door on Tuesday and now it is just a matter of time until either everything falls apart or comes together. Or is it both? The clock is ticking and the truth is I am an absolutle wreck, because I am just waiting. Waiting....waiting....waiting....and a bit more waiting. It isn't the waiting that bothers me, I am an overall patient person or I like to think so. It is the answer what I am waiting on, because this it was everything hangs on. And that is what is scary, because everything could change on this ONE thing. ONE THING.
It is funny how that is how life is, everything could hang one thing, and it could change everything. And that is what scares the heck out me. There I said it, I am scared.
Isn't that what everybody wants to hear me say, finally admit it. There it is.
Just when I have arrived at a peace (I was at a peace in 1 day! That is a quick turn over isn't it?), but I am talking about an overwealming peace. I know I am doing God's will and this "WAITING" it totally different. Different waiting, different thing, but the above does in so many ways affect the latter. And that is why I'm scared. In my heart, I know I am following God's will and I am doing as I am told, but it is so hard when I don't know where God is leading me. Or what God's plan is at all in all of this. And that is what is scary, because I flying BLIND. I am flying across the freaking ocean with a blind fold on and I don't know where the heck I am going. And that is faith right? Trust, right? I have always had an issue with trust.

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the butt" - Meredith - Grey's Anatomy

Hair Change (my vain post)

I know that this post may sound a bit shallow and vain - since it is about my hair. But I really don't feel like divulging about my life at the moment. Keep it generic, right. Okay, so on Friday I had a very important appointment at Modern Salon & Spa (Aveda) to get a bit of a change. I made the appointment about 2 weeks ago (I know thats awhile to wait for a hair appointment) so I could get Erica (who has proven herself a good hairdresser/stylist -whatever) who is highly recommended by good friends of mine. I am rambling.
Last week I bought a hair magazine and everything to make sure I got the "right" look. I had the idea in my head stacked in the back, getting longer as it got closer to the front, and of course to keep my whispy bands - just shorten them up a bit. The main thing was I didn't want lose my length - at least not too much.
Well...I lost a lot of length, and at first I REALLY wasn't sure if I liked it at all. Not that I didn't like the job that Erica did, she is AMAZING job - she really knows what she is doing. But it has really started to grow on me. Everyone loves it! I mean EVERYONE. I can't begin to tell who how many times I have gotten stopped about my new do.
So I guess you would say it is starting to grow on me. Especially since it has cut 15 - 20 minutes off of my morning routine.
I will post a picture soon so you can tell me what you think.

Summer Recap!

I realize its been a long time since I have any sort of post on my blog. Opps. Life has been rather busy and insanely crazy. Such is life, right? So let me recap the past few months for you guys.
Spring was beautiful in North Carolina, it brought about some wonderful changes for the summer. :) As the fall season began, other changes began as well.
No need to go into detail that is all that anyone needs know.

It was a wonderful summer, I had my 21st birthday (in which I celebrated at Mickey & Mooches with my family and Kyle)then my brother graduated a few days to kick it off the summer.

Memorial Day weekend brought along interesting fun. Kyle and I went out onto the lake on the waverunner - to meet up with the group - we ended up not being able to find everyone. Then on the way to FINALLY figuring out where we were going we ran out of gas. Of course! Overall a fun and interesting day.

About a week or two later I OFFICIALLY started my new position, I am absolutly loving my job as Pastor Jack's assistant. It is wonderful, and such a multidimensional job, I get challenged and get to do so much stuff that I love.

I headed off to Panama City about 2 weeks after I started my position, to attend Michaela's wedding. Which was a lot of fun, but it is always interesting to go down there to visit. Everytime I go back to PC, I just miss home (in North Carolina). I have never been one to get homesick (EVER!), but it seems like I realize that PC isn't me anymore. Oh well, that is just fine with me! Really!!

Of course the summer continued with 4th of July fun...missed the fireworks, but that got made up for 2 months later (sweetness!). I worked on my tan (ha!) by spending time out on the lake. It really is just fun to spend time with the people you love.

At the end of July brought upon Kyle's 21st birthday. In which I got the wonderful honor of celebrating at Mickey & Mooch with him and his family. It turned out to be a very memoriable evening that I was so blessed to share with them. Despite the odd "movie" we watched. A few days later, I threw Kyle a surpise birthday party--which was worth all the "lying and scheming" when he arrived at Red Rocks that evening, the look on his face was priceless. He was very surpised and stopped trusting me when he would ask me what i was doing and my answer was "running errands". Ha!

The following weekend was the well deserved "mini" vacation to my grandparents place in Edisto Island, SC with Kyle and Kit & Melanie. It was full of fun times and lots of good memories (to see pictures from this trip visit www.jmalone.photosite.com). On the ride to what my MawMaw calls "somewhere between paradise and heaven", almost cut off from the rest of the world. We experienced Melanie's "SCOOT SCOOT TEST!" and what started "I think we need to turn around." The beach couldn't have been more relaxing. Spades at night, and "renigging". A wonderful day at the beautiful city of Chareston - the downpour, the aquarium, downtown, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on the IMAX big screen. Then there was more beach time, while Kyle tried to learn how to surf. Lots of Subway for lunch. The best morning of my life thus far. And of course the infamous "I DON'T WANNA GO TO WENDY'S". Like I said it was an absolutly wonderful trip.

August continued with more days out on the lake, movies and the usual summer days. Labor Day weekend was a weekend at Garden City, SC with the Mahr family. I had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with Mahr family, including Kyle's brother Jason, his absolutly adorable wife, Angel, and their two precious kids. We kicked off the long weekend with a bit of time at the Cabarrus County Courthouse - due to an ticket Kyle had received with an earlier summer adventure. It was a fun weekend full of sun and sand (with my VERY expensive swimsuit I bought just for that trip), more "surfing", another waverunner adventure, and a crazy game called Phase 10 (in which we never finished). Our last day at the beach included my jelly fish sting (which stayed with me more than a week afterthe sting) and soaking the ocean for hours - which led to my sunburn.

With the returning to work from that wonderful Labor Day weekend, ended the summer of 2005. Fall has offially sent it, but that doesn't mean the fun has to stop! :)