Broken Record

I have learned a valuable lesson from past relationships (friendships and "beyond"), that sometimes you can only do so much. Relationships are two sided; a one-sided relationship is called an imaginary friend. The "unspoken rule" of any relationship is that each side puts an equal amount of effort into the relationship. Even in the workplace this is applicaple; for example the employee fulfills one's duties and the employeer in return gives a paycheck. Though friendships, and dating relationships rewards are not monetary, the rewards are much more meaningful and benefical.
I have found out that I continually try to please others, I have a classic case of what society likes to call "people pleaser". I am currently working on that, and wonder when does pleasing people become a flaw of one's personality. Also, can I completly change that or isn't permanetly engrained into my personality and my way of thinking.
The dillema I continually find myself in is putting effort into relationships, whereas most people would have given up long before. And I ask myself, why?! Once again I think it falls back to being a people pleaser.
I have made myself a promise, not to find myself making the same mistakes. One can only do so much before you just break away even from the most promising relationships (friends or otherwise). After a while its like a broken record....doing the same things over and over with no sense of ever moving foward or change.

Confused at the complexity of....

I have found that my life in "Jennifer's World" seems to be rather complicated and always confusing. Why can't it just be simple? Why can't it just be normal? I feel like I'm the only one wrestling with these type of issues. It is as though it is never ending. I can't remember once--ever--when things were just "normal", it is as though I have to explain or justify each situation. Is it suppose to be like this? Or am I some sort of odd ball set apart from the rest. I know there is nothing I can do at this moment. Nothing I can say to change current circumstances. My selfish desires and what I want begins to kick in and my thoughts gear towards saying "this isn't fair". Because if you look at the last 3 lines, it is all about what I want; and in reality that isn't how it is suppose to be. In my heart I know that this is the right way to go. I've put it in God's hands, so I should stop dwelling on it. I just need to continue praying about it. Just like I have from the beginning. I know that was all so vague, but thats all I need to say...this isnt about you understanding but a chance for me to vent.

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your hear before Him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Psalm 62:8 (NASB)

Youth Group

Last night I attended (I helped set up & serve the food) the 1st Annual Student Life Awards for the youth of CCC. It's an Oscar Award theme; it was a fun event where youth and volunteers were recgonized for their for the accomplishments, service, and faithfulness. Everyone got dressed up, and the youth were given celebrity treatment a ride in a limo, with red carpet, and the "winners" (everyone is a winner when you serve the Lord) were given an Oscar look-alike award.


I sat there last night in awe of the life, faith, aspiration, and fire instilled in those middle schoolers and high schoolers. Suddenly, somewhere between the laughing and trying to keep Nathan quiet (ha), I had a flash-back to my days in the SABC youth. And though it was only 2 years ago it feels as though it was another life. We all had a lot of good times, and learn to rely on each other and trust one another. We all said that the friendships would last after college and our seperate ways, but the relationships we once had will always live on in the memories of the past. I had a friend of mine, who is a senior in high school, jokingly say something on the lines of "its suppose to be best year" "it goes by fast" and I quickly reminded him how true that is, but at the same time our lives have so much more to hold than what high school offers, don't believe the lie "high school is the best 4 years of your life" because if that is it then I don't want to know what the future holds!


But somehow life did seemed easy then, less complicated, not too much work, easy come easy go, and yet now I am happier than ever before. My feet are slightly dipped into reality, I can't honestly say that I've been fully thrown into that ocean yet. And though I know things won't be any easier, I can't wait until I am. Easier doesn't equal happier. I think at this moment in my life I am the happiest I have ever been. I know that is because I'm fulfilling my purpose, doing what I was created for.


I think that is the goal of it all. Living in the moment. Carpe diem (sieze the day). What is the point if everyday if I were to constantly keep saying "the future will be better" "I can't wait for the next stage of my life" or if I am constantly reminesing about the past and saying that things will never be better than those days. Those type of thoughts--which I have learned to steer clear of---have never gotten anyone anywhere except for missing out on the here and now!


That is my advice to those of you who are still in high school. (Well, to anyone really). Don't keep wishing for the year to end, or for graduation day to come because that will happen sooner than you wished. Enjoy today. Enjoy tomorrow. Take in every opportunity. Does anyone really want to miss out on extraordinary because they thought tomorrow was going to be better than what today holds? We all have bad days but the best way to end a bad day is learn from it. Take something away from every expierence. The future isnt better than the past. And the past isnt better than the future. It is all good in the here in now, so learn how to enjoy it.

Inspiration

in·spi·ra·tion
1 a : a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation
b : the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions
c : the act of influencing or suggesting opinions
2 : the act of drawing in; specifically : the drawing of air into the lungs
3 a : the quality or state of being inspired b : something that is inspired

in·spire
1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
b : to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on
c : to spur on : IMPEL, MOTIVATE
d : AFFECT

Inspiration comes to us daily, in many forms. Except as we grow older we unforunitly (and uncessarily) become more cynical; therefore we become blind to the things in our life that have the potential to inspire us. How is it that the child-like faith is easily forgotten but oh so coveted by anyone beyond the age of innocence.
One of the things I try to go in my life is skip the ordinary and strive for extraordinary. Except some how I always tend to fall into that groove of the norm--at least by my own definition. Why is that? Over the weekend on the back of a shirt I created an acronym of the word orginal:

Oringal

Real

Intelligent

Good

Irregular

Nonconformist

Amazing

Live out loud

I challenge and ask anyone who is reading this to inspire me. Leave me something that will turn the wheels of my mind and as the common phrase goes "think outside of the box".

Road Less Traveled

I have come to this one realization: Nothing is as it seems.

Even when things right....okay maybe not seem right, but feel right.....wait seems as though they are going in a positive direction. They aren't always. Not saying that things have gone in a negative direction just not what I expected, though this whole thing wasn't on my agenda of things to happen. Everything that has happened to me in the past month or so has kind of been a winding road. Actually my whole life since I have moved here. Okay, back to what I was saying....Why does it seem that things--good or bad--in my life become so complicated? Well don't take this wrong, things aren't dramatic or complicated at the moment. Actually, and rather suprisingly things are just how they need to be. Go figure. Which is great, really great. Absolutly! No complaints. I know all things work for the good of God's glory and in His plan. Its as though when life takes one sharp turn there is just another around the corner and I have realized that though the 2nd sharp turn was most unexpected, it was as though I'm speeding down this road it sharp turns to the left without any road sign, (though that first sharp turn to the left was the least of what I expected) but that second sharp curve it rounded out nicely, where it could have ended rather distatrously. Though the poem by Robert Frost has become somewhat of a cliche 'the road less traveled' it some how hits at home with me today.

Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet, knowing how way leads onto way

I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence

Two roads diverged in a wood

And I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

So as complicated as all of that may sound it makes sense to me. And isn't what this whole thing is about? For me to vent and complain....and then realize that everything is okay at the end. Around every corner there is another surprise, and though the road maybe bumpy and there are ogars along the way (I'm not calling anyone in this recent 'road bump' aka situation an ogar--he is the furthest thing from that, I am just making a point) prince charming is at the end of that road on his white horse waiting to sweep me off my feet. (Okay I'll admit it I am a hopeless romantic, what do expect?!) Usually their are road signs along the way, to warn you of danger ahead, sometimes they just aren't there. Sorry that didn't end very poetically.

Life is full of surprises

Something unexpected in my life

but it was something in Your plan, so I invite it in.

Unsure of what the future holds I cling to Your promise

God has such an awesome plan. Just a month ago I was miserable due a situation beyond my control. Then I realized I deserved better. That I have friends who love and appreciate me. That I have beyond awesome friends, who I should be investing my time and energy into.Then life threw me a curve ball, something completly unexpected and yet if it hadn't of been for the recent pain (though that does make me put up some guard to protect myself), I don't think I would have been open to this new change. Though nothing is certian. Nothing set in stone, I know no matter what God is going to bless this situation as long as I continue to bathe it in prayer and seek His face. A strong Christian friend of mine once said "I want to be with someone who when I am in church that they arent a distraction but an encouragement to seek God's face in worship."

I know God has a plan and I'm trusting Him. Everytime I think about what the future holds I just pray about it. I don't try to focus on what I want or think is right, I only want God's will and so I pray about it. That is the only way I am going to handle this! :)

Ya know....I watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" tonight. Strange. Good. And yet despite how weird of a movie it was I learned something from it. That as much as you may want to erase pain, erase a person from your life....you are also risking erasing happiness and great memories. And that pain that hurts so much, that you would do anything to erase it teaches you something. That later down the road you can take that pain, the hurt and apply it to something that will end up to be amazing. And as much as you dont want to be hurt again in the future it is that feeling of being a scared little kid all over again....I hate that feel. But there is going to be that one time when that scared feeling going to be all worth it!

God is so awesome!