I need some change....and my plan was shot to....

Earlier this week I was coming up with a "plan" to help my relationship with Kyle. Things felt like they were harder than it should be. I thought us going back to best friends would be easier than this. I love him and can't imagine us not being there for each other. I thought maybe drastic measures were needed - some time apart...not just no hanging out...no anything! Drastic. I know. I had the speech all planned out and what I was going to tell him. I was pretty darn confident in this decision. But...I gave him his Christmas gift and we were able to work together on Wednesday. And it was GREAT. And he was himself, the Kyle I know. The Kyle I become friends with. The Kyle I fell for. So I pretty confident idea and decision was pretty shot to you know where. Then I told Sarah, I figured she would be all for it. Agree. Give me back the confidence I needed. Nope. Sarah is my reality check. She told me, if I am letting just one day and little bit of kindess in one day is effecting my plan there is no way I would be able to actually go through it. Plus I just wouldn't be able to do it anyways. She is right. Oh well. Thursday, ended up being great. Kyle and I got to work some more together just the two of us...and we worked with Pastor Jack as well and Pastor Dean popped in a few times to put in his 2 cents worth. Which was a lot of fun. And a lot of good laughs. I always enjoy group "projects" especially when its laid back. Then I took Kyle home that afternoon and we planned our movie afternoon. We decided to see the Family Stone (since his family wanted to see King Kong on Christmas - his family is definitly more important than us seeing the movie).

We had a lot of fun. It was easy. Normal Jennifer & Kyle. No complications. Just a movie. Just time as friends. Nothing messy. The movie was good. Not what I expected. But good. The new movie theatre is REALLY nice. He gave me my Christmas card and gift. Which was sweet, because he didnt have to do anything. I did tell him at the end of the evening that I was going to stop trying so hard, because I am the one who its making it harder than it should be. He told me not to sweat it. He is wonderful. He never lets anything get to him. I know me. And if I were him I would have run the other way a long time ago, but he doesnt. That makes him wonderful.

Well onto another topic.

I am kinda in need of some change. I am just bored. Usually when I get bored, I change my hair. Color. Cut. Something different and sometimes drastic. Honestly, I am happy with my hair. Perfect color and cut. I think I am in need of a wardrobe change. I've been overall happy with my style. I am trendy. Fashionable. And I have good taste. I think I am bored and my closet needs revamping. Something different. I don't want to be Gap cover girl. I have been filling my closet with almost everything Banana. I love their stuff. But I don't want to be a represent the Banana season catalog. Ya know? We shall see. A bit vain...sorry. I do have my priorities straight, its just I love fashion and looking put together at all times. Even if I am in just a track suit.

Off to Japan

Today my best friend, Sarah, leaves for Japan for a few months. Which is bitter-sweet for her, because she will be with her family (who are stationed over there), but she will be away from her finace', Jonathan, and ME (ha - and her friends!). So tonight I got to spend some extra special time with her! Sarah, is the BEST! She is my reality check. She is my if you are going to dish the sarcasim you are going to take it. She tells me like it is. She is HILARIOUS (even if Jonathan said she isn't funny, she really is) she always knows where to place the humor in serious situations/converstations. She is my, if I feel like being REAL & HONEST and saying what is on my mind, she will listen without judging me or lecturing me. I honestly can say I don't know what I would do without her.

The plus about her leaving - the ONLY plus - is that she always brings back these AWESOME candies from Japan. Stuff you can't find in the US. So I am looking forward to that. Its always fun to experiment with food. I know how much she cherishes this time with her family, and though she maybe bummed about leaving the states for Christmas, she gets to be with her family. And that is the most important thing about the holidays (besides of course celebrating the birth of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ). So I am trying not to be so sad about her leaving. If I have a problem or an issue, there is the wonderful world of e-mail. Thank you, God, for e-mail.
Last night after dinner and exchanging Christmas gifts, we went to see Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. OMG - what an AMAZING movie. I think it is going to be really closely ranked with LOTR. WOW. And, thank goodness I went with Sarah, because she put up with my...omg, this is so exciting...and my gasping...edge of the seat thrill about this movie. She is special to put up with me.
I just finished reading the book, I grew up watching the cartoon version of the movie, but it has been SO long. It was nice to be refreshed on the story. OMG. It was GREAT! All of the symbolism between C.S. Lewis's book and Scripture is AMAZING - and I was really glad to see that the movie was real to that.

I just wanted to say, that I love my Sarah! And maybe...hopefully, I will be able to go to Japan in February with Jonathan to visit.

Letting Go.

God has been teaching me a lot. Maybe more than I can handle at once. I realizing in order for me to get what I want. What we both want. That I have to let go first. That it is going to take time. As much as I hate to admit that. That I wish that I could snap my fingers and make it all better. Don't think that my definition of better isn't us "being together", but it is pure and total friendship. Don't begin to question me. Just don't. If you have something to say about my relationship with one of my best friends (who I am working so dang hard to make it right) say it to my face. Don't question me. Don't question him. It only causes doubt that doesn't belong.

So in order for me to do this. I need everyone else to get off my back and let me make my own decisions. Don't ask me what I am doing wrong. Maybe anyone who wants to ask such stupid questions should take a long look in the mirror and ask themselves how their past relationship and current friendships are working out. Okay.

Ice!! Brrrr...

I love my life in North Carolina, but its days like today where I want to pack my bags and move to Miami! Seriously. I got in my car (after ripping the door open) and I felt as though I was in an igloo. Ice. Ice. Ice. Everywhere. I hate it.
Apparently, they are calling for snow on Sunday. Yuck. Seriously, I can't handle this kind of weather. My boss, keeps saying, "yea, you are a Florida girl".
Speaking of Florida. I was suppose to be going to Disney this weekend with my family, meeting up with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandparents. Monday of this week, I decided not to go. For the shear fact, that I never know when I'm going to get sick, and I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle being in the car for that long with my stomach problems. Ya know? Doesn't sound like too much fun to me! I also, was thinking of the family, I don't want to get sick and everyone be worried about me. It is best this way.
I made sure that I made myself really busy this weekend. I am going to see King Kong with Kyle on Friday night. Then I have a Christmas thing, from Chris & Cheryl on Saturday afternoon...then I am going to see Chronicles of Narnia with Sarah. Church on Sunday. Keep my mind off of Disney and busy.

Sorry if my thoughts were scattered. I went to Wal-Mart tonight. I try to NEVER go to that place, it STRESSES me out!! Ugh, I hate that place. I feel ike I'm making my way to the nut house if I spend too much time in there.

One of those Days!

For the past few months I have been EXTREMLY sick. Medical test after medical test. I think I am on number 11, plus a surgery, and countless lab work. But I always have looked at the brighter side of it all, knowing that there is a reason for this and God is going grow me through this and that I am going to be stronger in the end. I always put a smile on my face and head out the door, no matter how sick I had been feeling that morning. I have to. I can't let this: whatever it is (since the doctors can't figure it out whats wrong at the moment), control my life! So I just truck on.

Today was not a "trucking on" type of day. I am tired of dealing with doctors. I am tired of losing weight. I think I have lost a total of 15 lbs. I am tired of being afraid if and what I eat if its going to make me sick. I am tired of this whole ordeal. I just want it all to go away. That was today! Those were my thoughts today!!

Thankfully, I had the opportunity to sleep in without feeling the pressure of having to be in the office on time. Though I can't remember the last time I have actually made it into the office by 8:30, due to my current illness. Thankfully, I work for the most wonderful place, and I have a very understand boss (and supporting staff). I couldn't control my emotions day, I just felt like all of this was just bearing down on me and it was more than I could handle. I couldn't keep it together.

We were suppose to have a girl's luncheon today, I opted not to go. I wasn't in a very social group mood, much less did I feel like not eating around a bunch of people you were. The thought was just too much to bear.

After everyone had left (the office was EMPTY), Melissa, caught me in the hallway, and I just broke down...again! Just at that time, Kyle, walked around the corner...I didn't want him to see me a blubberlery mess (what is it with guys and freaking out when a girl starts crying!), I tried to shake it off. He joked...oh did you just want to throw some water on your face. I responded with "yea, I wanted to see how my eye make-up would look when it started to run".

Kyle and I ended up going to lunch together...well I say going, I really mean picking up something through the drive thru and bringing it back to the church. But it was nice to be away from everyone else. Though sometimes when he is in "work mode" its as though I am talking to a brick wall. But today, it didn't seem to bother me too much.

As the day went on, my spirit began to lift a bit. I just need to get through this, and keep trusting God. Putting my faith in Him, knowing that He is in control. That There is a purpose and He will reveal it in His timing.

Baby King

We had our Christmas program tonight (see Light. Camera. Action? post for more details). After yesterday's rehearsal I knew it was going to be an incredible night, nothing could prepare me for an amazing evening of worship (even though my focus was on the spot light and making sure that was right). Though the 4:30 rehearsal was close to being a disaster. The spot light and Christmas lights blew a breaker (no problem, nothing I can't fix), while Kyle was having a break down, due to a failure for the lights to be working. By 6:30 he and I had both calmed down (I don't react well when Kyle is in freak out work/light mode), and everything went smoothly (for the most part he did have a flickering light problem, but from what I could tell he got it taken care of).
The worship from the scripture reading, the videos, drama, and the music. It wasn't just a Christmas music and drama type evening. It was about the cradle to the cross to the crown. It was about Christ and His life and the salvation He offers. I felt that I wasn't just singing a song....or listening to someone speak scripture, but I was offering up a sincere surrendering of my life. I see all the hard work that was put into this one evening. Way too go worship team of CCC - all work you did, really paid off. Kyle you did an amazing job on the stage and set-up, you always go above and beyond the call of duty. Debi all of your hard work and determination really paid off. You are the best. And Brad, wrote Baby King, that song will bring you to your knees and worship the King!

Lights. Camera. Action?

Guess who is running the spot light for the Christmas program on Sunday night? If you guessed me, you are SO right! All I have to say is: I am the best ex-girlfriend in the WORLD (haha, just kidding). I have run lights on Sunday mornings, for Kyle plenty of times. Especially when he was still on praise team. I have even ventured out and have run lights when Kyle wasn't even there if something went wrong. So I must say that I had become rather confident in "running the lights"(which USE to be just pushing an asigned button, which Kyle has already set a scene too) not too hard.
Yesterday, before I left work, I went down to the gym (our Worship Center - since we out grew our current facilities) to see if he needed anything before I left. Bad move. Gosh! I should have just left. Of course, he needed something - to see if I could run the spot light (I was the last resort - because I usually ALWAYS do it, and since I've been so sick) if his contacts couldn't. Well, 8:00 rolled around and my phone rang, with my answer - I would be getting up early on Saturday morning to be at rehearsal.
I wasn't nervous - or even thought twice about running the spot light - that was until I go there this morning. It was a lot harder than I was predicting. Its not pushing a button, its manually fading and moving the light from on position to the next. All I could think was,"how did I get myself into this?"! After rehearsal was done and I got use to the light, Kyle told me I did a good job and we would have another practice tomorrow before the show. It helps that he didn't begin to scrutinize every little thing I did - he is really particular about the lights. Who can blame him? Its a lot of pressure coming from all ends. That is part of the reason I get so nervous when I run lights, when Kyle isn't there! Because if something goes wrong, I won't be the run to get the heat.

This is the first time I've run lights for a church wide event. Yea, Sunday morning is important, but there isn't s much pressure. Tomorrow night is the much ancitipated CCC Worship Christmas program. So wish me luck! Every year (since I've been there, this will be my 3rd CCC Christmas program, the 2nd of which I am involved in), they have been a bit different. The first year was a typical Christmas program, with a play and music in between scenes and of coure the infamous CCC paradoy vidoes (a spoof of something that was popular that year - two years ago the two memoriable vidoes were: the bachlorette - using Amy, Lee's wife, and the pastors and the bachlors, and a anti-diahharria medication ad. Funny stuff!). Last year we moved the program into our brand new gym with a stage (where we are currently located for Sunday Services) and we had a Christmas Cafe'. We served beverages (coffee, hot cocoa, apple cider) and dessert (carrot cake, AMAZING cheesecake, apple pie, and a chocolate cake). The program was fun, with skits and story reading and music...and of course the CCC videos! Last year was A LOT of work on the entire worship ministry, especially Debi. This year is totally different. It is ALL about worship and the story of Christmas. With Christmas songs and worship songs, the reading of scripture and a real focus on the birth of Jesus. The title is: Baby King. I am glad to say that there is still the infamous CCC video incorporated (about the Wise Men). It is going to be amazing and hopefully people who wouldn't normally come to church will be more open to hearing the gospel and come to know Christ as their Savior. That is what everything we do at CCC is all about. Pray for everyone that comes through those doors tomorrow at 6:30 to be prepared to worship and for those who may not know Him.

I have to be honset and admit, that I felt bad after I left rehearsal today. I was thinking finally, I can leave...and I had to get up early. I should NOT be complaining at ALL. There have been a lot of hours to get the gym ready for this event, and especially on Kyle's part. He has put in a lot of EXTRA work (and you must understand he works a lot has it is!! So this is a shout out to him: You have done and BANG OUT job, Kyle! I know you are sometimes taken for granted, but your rewards will be in heaven. God knows your heart!

Past Present & Future

The past week I have gotten the wonderful privlage of talking to one of my oldest friends in the world. Someone, I went to high school with, and someone I care deeply about. He and I have been through the ringer, but there isn't anyone else in the world I would have rather shared those memories with. He is one of dearest and closest friends. I have really enjoyed our conversations, and that is nothing short of the truth the past two times we've talked. I can just be me. Of course, conversation always lead to the current happenings....of course relationships and where they currently stand. Nothing too serious, just chit chat, but at the same time it is exactly what I needed. Chit chat. Someone who knows me, but isn't going to second guess me, question my decision, someone who doesn't know him. Not that I would mind being asked the hard questions, or guessing the decisions I've made - but during those type of conversations I would like support. I don't need anyones support - because I know in the end I have made the right decision.
Truthfully, I am really happy where I am right now. I have peace. I believe that if we can make it through this (small) event in history, we can make it through WHATEVER the future holds for us. Especially after last weeks converation that put me at more peace than I have been since this all began 3 months ago. Because our promise still holds strong, and the value of "the dollar" still exsist. With his confirmation, makes it worth the wait.